Famously known as the navigator who “Discovered” America while trying to find a back door into the lucrative spicy goodness of Asia. Only he didn’t discover it, as there were already people there, and it had already been visited by several other groups of varying nationalities. He’s also hailed as the man who proved the earth was round, only this fact had been known for hundreds of years already.
So what was Columbus? He was a slave trader, a tyrant, an incompetent moron with a penchant for putting hundreds of sailor’s lives at risk, and most of all, a collosal ass.
“So, you live here, eh? That’s impossible since I ONLY JUST GOT HERE - and put some damn pants on would you?”
Historians of the time note that Columbus read a lot of literature about navigation, he acquired vast quantities of books and made dozens of notations in the margins, though based on those notations, it appears he didn’t have a damn clue what he was reading about. As a result, Columbus had a tendency to go berserk at anyone who questioned anything he said, in the hope of masking the fact that he had no idea what he was talking about - much like a first-year political science student with an untouched collection of Karl Marx tracts.
Upon arriving in the Bahamas, Columbus writes that the native Bahamans were frequently attacked by visitors from a nearby island, looking to take them as slaves. Columbus quickly reasons that they must make good slaves, due to their eloquent descriptions of their horrific ordeal.
He notes in his writings of the time - “I think they can very easily be made Christians, for they seem to have no religion. If it pleases our Lord, I will take six of them to Your Highnesses when I depart,”- In reality, he kidnapped twenty five island people, but as only seven survived the journey home, he apparently did a bit of editing in his diary afterward. Ultimately though, none of his slaves were introduced to Christianity, Columbus’ supposed noble reason for heading out there in the first place. He refused to allow baptisms of the slaves he captured. A devout Catholic, dogma forbade the enslavement of Christians. Weighing up the options, Columbus would rather a few extra savages go to hell than him having to scrub his own floors.
Upon returning home he was arrested for the barbaric torture and cruelty he used to rule the lands he had conquered, sorry, “discovered” - and 23 witnesses, from his own crew, testified against him. However, back in the early 1500s, being the guy who brought the spices back from the back of beyond, made you the equivalent of an Enron exec, and Columbus received the lengthy sentence of six weeks in prison, for being an enormous tyrannical bastard.
At the time of his death, he still believed he had visited the East coast of Asia. Despite the people there not being Asian, or being aware of any aspects of Asian culture. It takes a special kind of tyrant to arrive in a country and declare yourself leader, killing any who oppose you, when you don’t even know where you are.
What did you say about my hat? Oh, you are SO enslaved.
As if being a despotic slave trader with a maniacal religious zeal wasn’t enough to make you dislike Columbus, he is also thought to have brought Syphilis back to Europe and allowed its spread through the army, who then went on to spread it further around the continent, eventually thought to have resulted in 5 million deaths. Thanks, Chris.
Whatta guy, eh?